Why Your Child’s Behaviour Can Feel So Darn Personal

Your child refuses to get dressed.

They ignore the third request to put their shoes on.

They yell, slam a door or tell you they hate you.

You know, logically, that kids have big feelings. You know they are still learning how to communicate, manage emotions and become independent.

But in the moment, why can it still feel so incredibly personal?

You might think, Why won't they listen to me?

Do they respect me?

What am I doing wrong?

And sometimes the hardest part isn't actually the behaviour. It’s what the behaviour brings up in you.

When their behaviour feels like it’s about you

Our children have a remarkable ability to press buttons we didn’t even realise we had. It’s as though they were given access to our settings menu.

When your child refuses to cooperate, you might feel disrespected. When they constantly argue, you might wonder whether nothing you do is good enough. When they seem to prefer someone else, you might question whether you’re getting something wrong.

And because we care so deeply about our kids, it can be surprisingly easy to take their behaviour as a reflection of us.

Sometimes there are expectations sitting underneath it too.

Maybe you imagined you’d be a calm, patient parent. Maybe you grew up believing children should be obedient and respectful. Or perhaps you’re determined to do things differently from how you were parented.

So when your child is having a difficult moment, it can feel like more than just their difficult moment.

It can feel like a reflection of the parent you are.

And that can hurt.

Your child's behaviour isn't a verdict on your parenting

Children’s behaviour can have many possible explanations.

A child who won’t listen may be tired, overwhelmed, distracted, testing their growing independence or struggling with a feeling they don’t yet know how to express.

Sometimes they’re hungry. Sometimes they’ve had a big day. Sometimes they’re simply having a moment — and unfortunately, that moment seems to have arrived at exactly the same time you’re trying to get everyone out the door.

That doesn’t mean every behaviour needs to be accepted or that boundaries aren’t important.

It simply means that behaviour is information.

Instead of only asking, How do I stop this?, it can sometimes help to wonder, What might be going on here?

And just as importantly, ‘What’s happening for me right now?’

Because our children aren’t the only ones having a moment. Their behaviour can bring up frustration, worry, disappointment or even memories of how we were parented ourselves.

Sometimes, simply noticing what’s happening for both of you can create a little more understanding around the moment. You might begin to see that there’s more to the behaviour than what’s happening on the surface.

And if you don’t always get it right, that’s okay too. You’re learning your child, they’re learning themselves, and there will be plenty of moments along the way when neither of you quite knows what you’re doing.

That’s parenting. Some days you nail it, some days you wing it, and some days you’re left wondering who gave you the job in the first place.