When Kids Come Along and Your Relationship Starts Feeling More Like a Team Meeting

You used to talk about everything.

You’d make plans together, laugh about the same things and look forward to having time with each other. “Ooh, let’s check out that new place.”

Then you had children.

Suddenly, there are endless dinners to make, nappies to change, activities to get to, bills to pay, (lots and lots of bills to pay), work to juggle. I took a day off the last time the kids were sick! And a never-ending list of things that need doing. I’m sure I watered that plant last week!

Somewhere along the way, you may have stopped feeling like partners and started feeling more like people trying to get through the day. Hmm…that wine is looking a little tempting right now.

You might still love each other deeply.

But you’re tired.

And sometimes it can feel like you’re on completely different sides.

When the little things start to become bigger things

It might start with something that seems fairly ordinary or mundane.

Oh…you didn’t you put the washing on?

But I thought you were picking them up.

Um…I thought you would be around then.

Ugh..do I have to do everything around here?

You don’t appreciate how much I’m doing.

Sometimes the thing you’re arguing about is only the surface of what’s really going on.

Underneath it might be a feeling of being unsupported, unappreciated, lonely or taken for granted.

One partner might be thinking, “I’m doing everything.”

The other might be thinking, “But nothing I do is ever enough.”

And before long, you can find yourselves having the same conversations over and over without either of you feeling properly heard.

The relationship can get lost in the busyness

Having children changes a relationship in ways that can be tricky to anticipate and navigate.

There is less time. We’re all too aware of that one!

Less sleep. It’s your turn.

Less privacy. Apparently, bathroom doors are now optional.

Less spontaneity. Is your mum free to mind the kids next weekend?

And often, less opportunity to simply enjoy each other.

Your conversations can become mostly about the kids, jobs around the house or what needs to happen tomorrow.

Did you book the appointment?

What time’s basketball?

Can you grab some bread on the way home?

We all know they’re necessary conversations, but they’re not always the type that help you feel connected.

Research has found that the transition to parenthood can be a challenging period for couples, with relationship satisfaction tending to decline during the first couple of years after having a child. A 2022 meta-analysis of 49 studies found a moderate decline in marital satisfaction during the first year after becoming parents, followed by a smaller decline during the second year (Bogdan et al., 2022).

This doesn’t mean that having children inevitably damages a relationship. Rather, becoming parents involves significant changes to everyday life, responsibilities and the relationship itself. For many couples, it can be a period of adjustment and renegotiation as they navigate competing demands of parenting, work, sleep, household responsibilities and finding time for each other.

The mental load can create resentment

It isn't always about how much each person is physically doing.

Sometimes it can be about who is thinking about everything.

Who knows when the school photo day is?

Who remembers that little Fred needs a costume on Friday?

Who notices that the teen has been unusually quiet or slipped their phone into their room?

All that invisible planning can be exhausting, particularly when it feels like it’s mostly falling to you. Over time, that imbalance can start to build resentment.

The other partner may genuinely feel that they are contributing…and yes, both experiences can be true.

Finding your way back to being a team

Getting your relationship back on track doesn't necessarily mean making huge changes.

Sometimes it starts with being able to talk about what has been happening without immediately moving into blame or defensiveness.

What have you both been carrying?

What has changed since having kids?

What do you miss?

Where are you feeling disconnected?

What do you need from each other?

You don't have to agree about everything.

Hey, you don't have to parent exactly the same way.

And your relationship doesn't have to look like it did before children.

But feeling like you're on the same side can make a big difference.

Sometimes it helps to have a space to slow things down, listen to each other and reconnect.

Sometimes it’s about finding a new way to be together — and a new way to be a team.

Reference

Bogdan, I., Turliuc, M. N., & Candel, O. S. (2022). Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 901362. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362.